16 Places You Shouldn’t Use Wireless Broadband Internet Just Because You Can

So you have finally decided to take the plunge? The lure of being able to connect to the internet just about anywhere was just too much. You’ve done your research and found a suitable mobile broadband provider with plans that meet your needs. The hardware is activated and you’re ready to escape the drudgery of the office. There’s going to be no more staring out the window, counting down the hours till you can go outside and enjoy the sunshine. Your office is now wherever you want it to be.

It’s not all peaches and cream though. You are going to have to take some responsibility and learn there are inappropriate times for whipping out your laptop to Google the capital of Tokelau. So with that in mind, here are some of the most inappropriate uses for your broadband wireless internet connection.

16. Funeral

No one really like Uncle Jerry. He smelled of sour milk and he had hair growing out of his ears. Sadly he’s passed over to the other side now. All he left behind was thirty five cats, two decrepit tractors and shed full of old cans. Still it is a sad time so try and remember the one time you met him at a cousins wedding and he was actually wearing pants. Now is probably not the the best time to see if you can score front row tickets for some reformed band of old men with guitars playing cover versions of their hits.

15. Job Interview

You’ve impressed some people and now your being headhunted by some top brass, offering a sweet salary and bonuses. You meet at a local restaurant. You have your laptop ready to show then some of your amazing portfolio. What ever you do don’t start bragging about your wireless internet and saying things like, “Dooood! Check out this sweet video of buddy getting hit in the groin.” Trust me the chances are you won’t get the job. Unless it’s a internet startup company specilaizing in video nut-shots that is.

14. Baseball Game

Ahhh! Warm flat beer, stale peanuts and the hot dogs past their sell by date. Nothing beats a day out at the ball park. Well apart from those baseball bores who feel the need to tell you endless, pointless trivia and regale you with tales of golden thongs. You now have the power at the end of the fingertips to access every single stat ever recorded and to bore everyone senseless. So please refrain from using the internet during the game. You paid good money to see this game don’t spoil it for everyone else.

13. Jury Duty

You’ve been called up for for jury duty and you’re all excited because you thing it’s going to be a barrel of laughs just like the Pauly Shore movie of the same name. Unfortunately jury duty is boring. Very boring. More boring than a Coldplay tribute band covering Pink Floyd’s back catalog. You may end up with plenty of time to play on your laptop but it’s not advisable to start blogging your personal feelings about the other jury members or the case in general.

12. First Date

It has been said that you have a face that only a mother could love. Eventually though you may just meet a member of the opposite sex that is willing to let you take them out an a date. Please, whatever you do, don’t even think of taking your computer with you. A first date is not the time or place to introduce your date to a YouTube clip ofThe Knights Who Say Ni, and it’s not advisable to show them photographs of you dressed up as a troll at your latest live action role playing shindig. Mind you, if these are the things your into then you probably met your date at a Star Trek convention so these things may be acceptable in this case.

11. Birth of First Child

Turns out you were a bit of a charmer after all. You managed to make it pass the first date and romance blossomed. Nine months later junior is on his way and your running the wife to the hospital for what is about to be the most joyous time of your life together. Child birth can be an arduous process and what your beloved needs now is support. So when she’s calling you all the names under the sun for putting her through this pain it’s not a good time to looking through WebMD to reassure her that what she’s experiencing is normal. If you do the doctors might have to surgically remove the computer from you.

10. School Play

Junior is growing up fast and he’s just landed the role of head sheep in his schools Christmas nativity play. As a proud parent you take time out from your hectic life to see the hotly anticipated thespian event of the year. Unfortunately the play coincides with a big football game. This is a big event in your child’s development, don’t even think of sitting at the back of the auditorium and trying to stream the game.

9. Strip Club

It will happen to you eventually. It’s your mid-life crisis and time is not being kind to your receding hairline and beer-gut. To compensate for your impotence you have bought a sports- car to help you feel younger and you have started trying to court the attention of the young ladies at your local gentleman’s club. You feel you’ve made a connection with one of the girls and during one of frequent moments of maudlin weakness you start showing her pictures of the kids on your flickr account. You might think she cares but believe me she’s only interested in your wallet.

8. Marriage Counselor

Things have finally come to a head and the tedium of married life has become to much for you and your partner. For the sake of your child you have decided to make a last ditch effort to try and rescue your sham marriage. One of your flimsy arguments is based around your spouse’s infidelity due to the fact they have changed their Facebook profile. They are now listed as being no longer in a relationship and are looking for whatever they can get. Come on no one’s going to take that seriously.

7. At Work

You love your wireless broadband internet and try use it wherever you go. Your bosses are impressed with your productivity as you work away in every corner of the building and even during the frequent long tedious meetings. Hold on you work in an office? Did you not know they have a T1 connection at work and the whole building has Wi-Fi? Having a wireless internet account costs money why use it when work has a much faster connection you can use for free?

6. Church

Another Sunday service and more fire and brimstone then you can shake a stick at. Going to church is not exactly a barrel of laughs. For some reason you feel the need every Sunday to be told why you suck and why you are going to end up in purgatory. It must be a submissive thing. You’ve been doing it for years and your preacher is getting on a bit. He slurs his words and has a tendency to nod off during his sermons. But have some respect. This is the house of the Lord and I’m pretty sure it says the internet is evil in the book of Malcolm or something.

5. Bathroom Cubicle

Just because you can use your wireless internet anywhere doesn’t mean you have to. There are some moments during each day that should remain private. The evacuation of your bowels in one of those times. Some guys like to make a big deal about their bathroom habits and are all to willing to brag about stools and how bad the smell was. It’s all part of their puerile schoolyard humor that thinks poop equals funny. Well If you are planning on using your mobile broadband while pitching a loaf just remember that one likes a Twitter Shitter.

4. Theme Park

A fun filled day of funnel cakes, lousy beer and throwing up after a stomach churning ride. It’s all part and parcel of the theme park experience. There’s a whole group of you having a ball. Your girlfriend desperately wants you to spend $100 to win a giant stuffed animal that was lovingly stitched together by a child in a sweat-shop. Lets face it it’s a day out with friends and a chance for you to not act like your usual anti-social self. Leave the computer at home. Do you really think you can surf the web on a Roller Coaster? That’s some expensive gear your willing to risk losing if so.

3. Running With the Bulls

It’s been a dream since your late teens to go celebrate the festival of San Fermin inPamplona, Spain. Finally the you’ve made it there. Your adrenaline is pumping, it’s 8 a.m. and you already have a belly full of Sangria. Just as they are about to sound the first firecracker to signal the releasing of the bulls you suddenly remember you never did mail your boss that TPS report before you left. It’s probably for the best if you don’t worry about that now, what with the thousand pounds of angry beef approaching.

2. Skydiving

If hurtling to the earth at two hundred miles per hour is the kind of thing that excites you, then you would probably be stupid enough to try and see if you can get a good internet connection up in the clouds. Realistically you could drop your computer and kill some one. Even worse you might actually break your computer.

1. Movie Theater

Just because you are told to turn off your cellphone before the movie, don’t assume you are exempt because you are using your laptop. Seriously you don’t need to searching throughIMDB during the film to find out who was in the original of this crappy remake. Also that bright screen is just going to distract everyone around you. If you like your teeth you might just want to keep them.